Giuliani’s hairdresser speaks out

New York—Don’t blame Tyrell.

Hair stylist to the stars Tyrell “Typhoon” Middleton said he is not responsible for the recent under-performance of Rudy Giuliani’s hair coloring.

Giuliani, loser of approximately 10,000 lawsuits in the last month, drew repeated derision when during a recent press conference streaks of black liquid flowed like rivers of shame down each side of his face. The former New York mayor had previously paid $350 for hair styling from Middleton, but the longtime follicle maven said Monday that he hasn’t worked with Giuliani for more than a year, assuring reporters that “ ‘Phoon don’t do ugly.”

“First of all, that boy sweats more than a pig thief in church,” Middleton said with his customary laugh. “He’d make my chair look like a glazed donut. We had to put up a sign, ‘Closed for cleaning, Rudy’s here.’”

Middleton, who graduated Magna Cum Laude from the Sassy Hair Institute in Brooklyn, explained that he previously used a special dye – Midnight Sunrise – and a proprietary technique to achieve maximum darkness with minimal loss of color through dampness on Giuliani’s hair. Middleton suspects his former client is now using an off-the-shelf dye.

“I think it’s called Just For Henchmen,” Middleton said. “Either that or he ground up some coal, put it in a sock, and flogged his head with it.”

Middleton also clarified that he’s never worked on the hair of outgoing President Donald Trump.

“I know the guy who did that mess. He better pray to Jesus ‘cause he ain’t getting no salvation here,” Middleton said.

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