FBI raids Mike Pence summer home

For the second time in as many weeks, the FBI raided the part-time residence of a former high-ranking government official. This time, former Vice-President Mike Pence was the target as agents kicked in the door to his summer vacation home in Terre Haute Wednesday morning.


An unsealed search warrant revealed that Pence had retained several items from his time in office that should have been turned over to the National Archives. MMW News Service has obtained a list of what agents recovered at the two-story white home with white trim:


· A handwritten note that reads “Ask pastor if ‘covfefe’ is in the Bible”


· A resignation letter with 68 different dates written on it, all crossed out.


· A diary entry from April 14, 2018 in which he writes about putting sliced strawberries in his cereal for the first time.


· A jersey, still in the box, from the time the 2019 WNBA champion Washington Mystics visited the White House. President Trump declined to attend and Pence excused himself because he thought it was inappropriate to be in the same room with so many women. The team reportedly hung out instead with Transportation Secretary Elaine Chao and the guy who cleans up the ketchup stains in the president’s dining room.


· A diary entry from April 15, 2018 in which Pence asks God for forgiveness for putting sliced strawberries in his cereal.


· A thank you card from Rep. Matt Gaetz for letting him take Pence’s motorcade to the Falls Church High School Prom.


· A letter from Rudy Giuliani apologizing for the red wine stain on Pence’s dress shirt and the vomit stain on Pence’s dress pants.


· A personalized coffee mug from Karen Pence reading “No. 2 in the White House, No. 1 in my heart.”


· A diplomatic cable from North Korean defense minister Si Pak asking “Supreme and glorious leader wants to know if Donald ever asks about him.”


· A lightly used My Pillow that Pence found to be lumpy.


· A Post-It reading, “Search Charlottesville for good Neo-Nazis.”


· The corpse of the fly that landed on him during the vice-presidential debate.


· A sympathy card from NATO leaders, dated Jan. 7, 2021, offering him asylum in any of their countries.


· A cease-and-desist order to the publishers of “Heinie Boy” magazine demanding that they stop sending him their periodical.


· An official response from “Heinie Boy”, written in strawberry lube on a gimp mask, reading, “U Know U Want It.”


Upon receiving the items, interim Director of the National Archives, Kara Blond, said, “Actually you can return these to…uh, you know… former Vice President… I can see his face. Last name starts with a C, right?”

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