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Doctor says Trump definitely doesn't have black plague, dengue fever, and a host of other illnesses

Washington D.C.--After President Donald Trump returned to the White House on Monday night after being hospitalized with Covid-19, Dr. Sean Conley said at a press conference that the president is in excellent health and very certainly doesn't have a host of illnesses nobody had reported that he had.

"He absolutely is not being treated for the bubonic plague today, that I can assure you," Conley said. "And I'm proud to say that he has absolutely not contracted the past 72 hours."

Conley caused a firestorm after he danced around questions Saturday about the president receiving supplemental oxygen, and for giving an overly rosy assessment of Trump's health. Conley later admitted he was spinning the truth a little in order to be positive. To that end, he called a press conference Tuesday to detail other things the president doesn't have.

"The hantavirus, nope! Black lung, cross that off your lists. It's really remarkable how many diseases the president doesn't have given that he's 74 and weighs 329 pounds...I mean, 239 pounds," Conley said.

Conley added that Trump does not have pulmonary slant, scalp puffs, liver liquidation, arterial dysphoria, anal mumps, dangles, cranial flanges, aortic vivisection, gall bladder giggles, Hufflepuff, Saturday night fever, foot faults, tongue depression, smokey eyes, scrotal giggles, inverted toe syndrome, and heel spurs.

When a reporter noted that Trump claimed to have heel spurs to get out of military service, Conley said, "This press conference is over" and ran to his car.

Moments later, Trump tweeted from the White House, "Americans live your Lives. Don't be afraid of Covid. Just go shop and eat at restaurants, with or without a Mask, your choice, and if you get sick just have a helicopter fly you to Walter Reed and receive top notch care at no cost. Tell 'em Donald sent you."


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