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Dear Mr. Musk,

I am writing today to inquire about the status of my blue checkmark that I purchased Nov. 6 of this year. I printed the receipt should you like to review it. My account is @MrMarkJorgensen64.


I am concerned that my blue checkmark, which I paid for a year in advance, will not be honored by the new CEO. Where I come from, a man’s word is his bond, and I hope it’s the same for you. I only joined Twitter last year in an effort to do what my granddaughter calls “own the libs” but which I call “talking like a normal American.” At first, I was concerned about you taking over because I read that you owned an electric car company. That sounded very European and I assumed it was a plot to force all of us to stop driving pickups and start measuring everything in “meters”, whatever that is. But now I think you’re doing a real bang-up job and I hate to see you go.


Before you leave, I have some suggestions that I think would make the site even better:


1. Require people to use their real name for their account. I do – Mr. Mark Jorgensen combined with the year I was born – and I had assumed the same of @DickFitzwell69, @MrBoobjangles69, @DongSlayer69, and @WolfBlitzer, all of whom I befriended but turned out to be frauds. If I read a post about how Joe Biden died years ago and it’s just George Soros in makeup or how Covid vaccines cause people to constantly hear the cast recording of “Rent” in their heads, I want to know the source is on the level.


2. Change the blue check to something else. Blue is the Democrats’ color and it’s also the color of the pills I have to take to keep Little Mark working properly, and I don’t want to be reminded that my wife, Norma, told me that Jerry down the street felt like a new man after taking those blue pills and then I was like, how do you know that, and she said his wife told her but I still don’t like the way Jerry looks at Norma when she’s planting tomatoes in the back yard. Anyway, what were we talking about? Right, different colors for check marks. How about red for verified accounts, and then you could up-charge for special check marks; camo for veterans, green for farmers, gold for cops, clear for anyone who lives in a big city because I’d like to pretend you don’t exist.


3. Under “pronouns” I’d like an option that reads “none of your damn business”


4. And enough with all the cat pictures. Dog pictures are fine because real pets bark and shit in your yard.


Thank you for your consideration, Mr. Musk.


Yours truly,


Mr. Mark Jorgensen


P.S. I was just followed by @ButterBalls69. I don’t think I’ll follow back because I’ve been burned before, but I do like their turkeys.

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