Following up on the incredible success of his blog, President Donald J Trump (only Democrats and the Deep State call him “former”) will now pen a weekly advice column. Why read a loser like Carolyn Hax or Dear Abby – if that is her real name – when you could enjoy the witticisms and insights from the greatest living American?
Dear Donald,
I work in an office with about 20 other people. We’ve been back to work in person for about two months and the dress code has been relaxed. I guess people got used to wearing whatever when they were Zooming in but now I see people in jeans, men wearing sandals with no socks, and once I even saw a woman wear a t-shirt with no bra. I mean, I didn’t look real close because I’m not some creep, but you can just, you know, tell. I think it is disrespectful and unprofessional and I’d like to say something but I don’t want to be “that guy.” What do I do?
— Bedeviled in Boston
Beedeveled,
I’m so glad to hear you are back at Work! This is all thanks to me DEFEATING covid! Your welcome.
Dear Donald,
I am a mother of a child who is struggling in school and is lashing out at me and any other authority figure. He’s 17 and is on the verge of flunking out of school. He says the teachers are out to get him and they “rig” the tests so he will fail. He also has accused me of spying on him whenever I go into his room. He used to be a sweet, caring child but then, about four years ago, he started to become very belligerent and disrespectful. I fear I am losing my son.
— Sad in St. Paul
Woman with kid,
I know all about losing something dear to me. I used to be the most Powerful man in the World some would say the most Powerful ever but then a group of Italians with satellites using machines built by Hugo Chavez convinced a bunch of Communists to swich thousands of votes. THEFT! FRAUD! We’ve have never seen anything like in the History of our great Country.
Dear Donald,
I am the president of an eastern European country struggling to stay independent from Russia. I’d like to get some anti-tank missiles, but my missile guy is, shall we say, out of the office. Wondering if you knew someone who could do me a favor.
— Concerned in Kiev
Guy who I never met,
I don’t know who you are and I certainly don’t remember having a Perfect phone call with you.
Dear Donald,
My mother is driving me crazy. I am getting married in August (pushed back a year because of Covid) and my mother is insistent that I do things her way. I thought if I waited until I was 33 that she’d get off my back but, no, she had to criticize the venue – we’re having a church wedding like God intended unlike my hippie mom who got married in a yert in front of some nondenominational “pastor” – and even my stationery choices. Our invitations said, “You get what you work for not what you wish for”, which is sewn into a throw pillow on the leather couch at my law office, and she’s all like “why not something with ‘love’ in it” and I’m like, “oh, grow up, mom!” She doesn’t even think it is appropriate that I have Tucker – he’s my adopted son; he was born in Ethiopia or something. It’s one of those countries where the kids are so poor they sleep in old tires and beg foreigners for change, and of course I don’t give them any because that would send the wrong message, but I do pray for them, but then I was on a tour of the Holy Land with Mike Huckabee and he said adopting was a great way to give these kids a better life and it’s a great tax write-off, so I adopted Abiy (that was his name before I changed it to something normal) – be the ring bearer. Mom thinks I’m doing this to show off how righteous and generous I am and I told her, “Well at least I have goals in life!”
I swear if she says one more word…
— Ready to Elope in Evanston
Another woman with a kid,
A word of advice, sweetie. Don’t tell a man you just met that you have little Kids. It just ruins it. When any women tells me she’s has got kids, all I hear are bees in my head. Total shut down. Its like I tell my daughters, Ivanka and the other one, Just smile and wiggle that ass of yours and that guy will be eating out of your hand. Also a bad idea to bring up that you’re a lawyer. It makes men feel inadequate if you have a better job than they do and they’ll spend all of dinner talking about how smart they are, SO smart that it makes their daddy proud of them.
As for your mother. Is she good to go? I got a special room at Mar-A-Lago she might like. Send me a pic first though.
Dear Disgrace,
I lie awake at night fearing that our country will never recover from the vacuous and vile misanthrope that pushed us to the brink of another civil war with his conspiracy mongering and incessant lying.
— Distraught in Dallas
Distraught,
I totally agree. Joe Biden is the worst.