Philadelphia and the Great Beyond—Keith Munson is livid. The late Munson said he proudly voted for President Donald Trump in last week’s election and rejects the assertion that the departed favored Joe Biden.
“The Pearly Gates ain’t blue I tell you that!” Munson said during a séance Monday.
Since last week’s electoral defeat, Trump and his surrogates have claimed without evidence that fraudulent votes were cast for President-Elect Joe Biden. Former New York Mayor and current carnival barker Rudy Giuliani appeared at a press conference (yes, the one at the landscaping business next to the porn shop) an asserted that dead people have voted in Philadelphia for years. When asked to back up his claims with evidence, Giuliani darted from the podium, unhinged his jaw, and swallowed whole a vole he’d spotted in the grass.
Munson spent his Earthly life in Philadelphia until dying in 2004 at the age of 52 of a stroke brought on after the Eagles lost at home to the Giants. He saw Giuliani’s presser (“They get all the channels in Heaven!”) and became as irate as the day he died.
“First of all, Rudy’s a New York guy, and I don’t trust New York guys none. Second, all the boys up here – Jack-O, Pipes, Toad Master, Stevie Steve Stevenson, we all voted for Trump,” Munson said.
Munson has continued to live a relatively normal afterlife. He now can eat and drink as much as he wants (“No doctor naggin’ me about my cholesterol. I mean, what the [expletive deleted] is a lipid anyways?”) he can still attend Eagles games by hovering over the stadium – something he often does even when games aren’t taking place – and calling in regularly to 97.5 The Fanatic to tell affable hosts Tommy Tam and the Squid that Ben Simmons is the next Magic Johnson.
He, however, hasn’t been voting. Philadelphia County Election Commissioner Janice Safkin said that Munson was removed from the voter rolls in 2005 after the country received notice of his death. She said non-corporeal beings attempting to vote used to be a big problem until former commissioner Fred Patcheck decided, on his death bed, that he would set up a satellite voting office in Heaven.
“He comes to me, in visions, sometimes. Tells me it’s going really well,” Safkin said. “I leave a few ballots at the cemetery down the street from my house, say a little incantation, and the VOOM, Fred whisks them away. Don’t worry, we initial all of them ‘DF’ so if they somehow reappear in this realm they won’t be counted.”
When asked to clarify what the initials meant, Safkin said, “It’s ‘Dead Folks’. Whaddya think the F stood for?”