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Dad upset by son's abstinence

Boone, Ia.—Gary Sweeney reported Tuesday that he is becoming increasingly distraught over his son Kyle’s virginity. Kyle, 17, recently began his senior year of high school, and despite being good-looking and socially competent, the younger Sweeney has yet to score.

“I just don’t get it,” Gary Sweeney said. “When I was his age it was all I could do to keep the ladies away. My buddies gave me a big ol’ stick my senior year so I could beat ‘em off.”

Gary, 45, began having concerns three years ago when the then 14-year-old Kyle went on a co-ed trip to Paris with the school’s French club. Five boys and nine girls made the eight-day trek overseas, and while Kyle returned home with many pictures and an expanded French vocabulary, he did not bring back and stories of libidinous exploits.

“Up ‘til then I figured he was just a kid; he’d figure it out, but when I heard he was going over there to France and there’d be girls along, I just figured one thing would lead to another,” Gary said. “I mean, hell, when I was 14 I got caught in the cafeteria kitchen with my hand clear up on Maggie Sims’ goods. We we’re even doing it…well, not that time, but it was at least a start.”

Kyle says his growing weary of his dad’s constant sexually related inquiries.

“My dad is such a friggin’ dope,” Kyle said as he pointed to his dad's bedroom door adorned with a sign reading: Where the magic happens. “The other night, me and (girlfriend) Megan (Winslow) are sitting on the couch watching The Fault in Our Stars’, and she’s all like, ‘What’s your dad gonna say if we’re in here alone?’ and I’m like, ‘He’ll only be bummed that my pants are still on.’ ”

Kyle says that he has kissed Megan, his girlfriend of three months, before, but has never attempted to advance their relationship beyond a first-base level.

“I really like Megan, and yeah, she’s hot, but she’s also cool, you know what I mean? I just like hanging out with her,” Kyle said. “We don’t have to do it to enjoy each other. The word is ‘class’.”

“The word is ‘lame’, if you ask me,” Gary said. “Them two, hell, all they do is study and watch movies. There a’int no figuring it. I’m not asking for Wilt Chamberlain here, but I just think the boy should hop on the horse before he graduates. Am I wrong? Wouldn’t you ask the same of your flesh-and-blood?”

Kyle and Megan prefer to hang out with Melody Simpson, Kyle’s mother, who left Gary six years ago.

“You wanna know why I took my name back? You met Gary, right?” she said.

Simpson called Winslow a “sweetheart” who is welcome at her house anytime.

“She’s like a second mom,” Winslow said. “The other day she told me, just like, out of the blue, there’s more to love than great hair and a Trans Am. I think she was talking about Gary…OK, I know she was talking about Gary.”


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