CPAC 2021: Lights, Camera, Reactionaries!

Welcome to the 2021 Conservative Political Action Committee’s 2021 annual meeting! We’re excited you have joined us at the Jewish laser-proof Hyatt Regency in beautiful Orlando where locals believe Mickey Mouse was born male and will always remain so, just like God intended.

In addition to an all-star lineup of speakers, check out these exciting breakout seminars:

FRIDAY

Appealing to Minority Voters

Show that we are a big-tent organization. We eat tacos! We listen to Rap-Hop! Learn effective techniques to convince minority voters that conservatism is for them, like “Did you know Lincoln freed the slaves, and was a Republican?” Also make sure to note how we use inclusive terms like “minority voters”.

Catching Up with the Ghost of Barry Goldwater


America’s first true conservative will Zoom in from Heaven to let us know how excited he is at all the tax cuts we’ve made over the years. (Programming note: This slot was originally dedicated to the ghost of John McCain but we don’t like him anymore because he was captured)


Which Trump is best for 2024?

Let’s get serious about the 2024 primary. Who are we going to elect? Rob Portman? Please. The first family of our party has so many great options. Donald – or Trump Classic – was the greatest president we’ve ever had and would make an excellent choice for a second (and then third) term. But we owe it to ourselves to consider other tremendous options.

Don Jr. has phenomenal energy. He bounces around the room like he’s on something! That would appeal to young voters, and what better way to own the libs than by having him show photos of the latest endangered animal he’s hunted? Ivanka is super classy and so smart. And look at all she’s accomplished, like, the businesses and other things. And don’t forget Eric who we hear is nice.

SATURDAY

Do we really need California?

I mean, really, what have they ever given us besides Kamala Harris and earthquakes? And if they want to embrace immigration, let them form their own government and they can let in a whole bunch of people from Mexico. Serves ‘em right for not building that wall.

Since 50 is a nice round number, we propose replacing California with Donlandia which will consist of what is now western Nebraska, eastern Wyoming, and northwestern Colorado. The new state will be worth 67 electoral votes and elect 12 senators.

How Cancel Culture is Worse than Covid-19


You and your family, nestled on the green couch in the rumpus room, watching “Silver Spoons.” And then it was cancelled. Off to college in your favorite pair of gold sequined Hammer pants. And then they were cancelled. Worked the weekend shift at the TCBY out at the mall where Mr. Werner gave you extra sprinkles. And then it was canceled. Posted on Parler about how you miss the USA Network. And then it was cancelled.


And what will you say when your child looks up, lower lip trembling, forehead wrinkled, and says, “Daddy, where did all the meat and churches go?”


We Found a Bunch of Ballots in Georgia that Weren’t Counted!

Fresh off surgery for Leaky Follicle Syndrome, Rudy Giuliani will reveal how the left stole the election. Recently, Rudy and his A-Team discovered thousands of ballots in Fulton County, Georgia that weren’t counted. Hidden in plain sight at the election headquarters. And you’ll never guess how they were labeled: “Unused blank ballots.”


Extra ballots that weren’t used? Yeah right. Do you think we’re idiots?


SUNDAY

Prayer Breakfast

We will ask that we be forgiven for our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us, except those seven turncoat senators who voted to convict our president. To them: locusts!


Bringing Back Suburban Women

Hey, girl. Let’s dish about the last four years. It sure was a rough time for you, even though President Trump was great and he’s only out of office because of that whole majority-rules technicality. We know that his presidency caused you to dabble with socialist, anti-family Democrats and raise questions like “Can we have a party that believes in limited government and rejects bigots?” and “So we have to separate migrant families because…”

But come, on, beautiful, we’ve always been here for you. Remember how much fun we had in the Bush years? Come back, baby. Dismantling government just ain’t the same without you.


How Can We Keep the Energy of the Trump Voters Without the Hate and Insanity?


Seriously, if you’ve got ideas we’d love to know.

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