WASHINGTON, DC—In a shocking reversal Thursday, Republicans vacated recently installed Speaker of the House of Representatives, Mike Johnson (R-somewhere) with a 50-gallon wooden barrel filled with hissing asps, rattlers, and mambas.
“When (Rep.) Paul (Gosar, R-Arizona) wheeled in that barrel, I thought, ‘Great, we could all use a shot of whiskey,” Iowa Republican Mariannette Miller-Meeks said. “But then he took of the lid, and several of the snakes hissed and snapped at me. That’s the kind of fight we need.”
Johnson was removed a day after being installed after several Republicans started to have second thoughts.
“I saw him accept the gavel from (Democratic Minority Leader Hakeem) Jefferies, and I hated it,” Florida’s Matt Gaetz said. “He should have knocked that gavel to the ground and glared at him. And then when he said that he’d work across the aisle, I knew we’d been had.”
Rep. Tom Emmer (R-Minnesota), who was the lead candidate for Speaker for about as long as it takes to prepare microwave popcorn, was noncommittal about whether he’d support the new party leader.
“Is it ‘barrel of snakes’ or ‘barrel O snakes’? I heard it both ways,” Emmer said, while quickly looking over his shoulder. “The lid’s back on, right…RIGHT!?”
Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-Pluto) was unable to vote after being bitten by copperhead and rushed to a hospital.
“There’s nothing to be afraid of. Where I come from, you see a snake, you walk up, grab it below the head, and then squeeze, AAAHHHH, DAMMIT. THAT STINGS. QUICK
SOMEONE GET ME…why is the air all black?” she said before collapsing.
Other candidates under serious consideration were recently retired Wheel of Fortune host Pat Sajak, who garnered much support from the older members of the Republican caucus. His candidacy was ultimately undone when it was revealed that many of the getaway vacations on the show were to socialist countries.
A 15-foot Big Boy Hamburgers statue, decommissioned from a store in Lansing, Michigan, received dozens of votes from Midwestern representatives but his support collapsed after it was discovered he’d been a vegetarian all along.
Gritty, the vaguely predatory mascot of the Philadelphia Flyers, also received some consideration but lost the support of the Freedom Caucus when he said, “You know, the estate tax has some merit.”
Johnson is believed to be the shortest-serving Speaker since H.L. Tuttletot of Maryland served for nearly 17 hours in 1885. Tuttletot’s tenure ended in tragedy when he was bitten by a fox infected with distemper during a county fair. Tuttletot was wrestling the fox at the time – the preferred method for selecting a Speaker for much of the 19th Century.