Houston, Tx.—Sen. Ted Cruz of Texas abruptly ended a trip to Cancun Thursday after Americans were outraged that he would leave his home state while it deals with a crippling winter storm.
Upon returning to Houston International Airport, Cruz sought to pivot, noting, “I find it curious that during the presidency of Donald Trump we never had a severe winter storm in Texas but not one month after Joe Biden allegedly took office, this happens. Coincidence?”
Then all assembled reports said “yes.” As they attempted to ask follow-up questions, Cruz shouted “LOOK, ANTIFA!” and then dove behind the counter of an Auntie Annie’s Pretzels stand and refused to come out.
This got the staff at MMW News Network wondering if Cruz’ decision was unprecedented. We dug through our archives and found several stories of political leaders bravely fleeing disasters.
October 9, 2011. Opelika, Al.
Days after an F4 tornado leveled a third of the town, Mayor Roger “Buddy” Boomgars flew on a private jet to Knoxville, Tn. to watch his beloved Auburn Tigers play Tennessee.
“Come on, it was a really big game,” Boomgars told the Opelika Observer. “Plus, the guy that owns the jet got us a tee time on this Jack Nicklaus-designed golf course the next day. I think the good people of Opelika know that ol’ Buddy’s got to grip it ‘n rip it when he gets the chance.”
April 30, 1992. Los Angeles.
On the second day of the Rodney King riots California Rep. Bob Doornan left the doom bunker he’d install in his house and was helicoptered to Charles Manson’s old compound.
“I got a real good deal on it,” Doornan told the Los Angeles Times. “Everybody laughed at old ‘Crazy’ Bob, but Helter Skelter’s here and who’s laughing now!”
When the prophesized race war didn’t materialize, Doornan eventually turned the place into a B and B catering to those with really fucked up thoughts on vacations.
March 5, 1977. Moscow, USSR.
During a prolonged famine throughout the Soviet Union, Chairman Leonid Brezhnev was nowhere to be found for two weeks. Originally, the news agency Tass reported that he was in the hospital with a severe case of eyebrow mites but this turned out not to be true. Brezhnev was actually at his retreat in Omsk hosting a party with Farrah Fawcett, Cheryl Ladd, and Tanya Roberts who were celebrating the success of “Charlie’s Angels” – the only American television show allowed to air on Soviet television.
December 7, 1941. Pearl Harbor.
On the date that would live in infamy, Hawaii Territorial Governor Daniel Oni’a hid in a supply boat bound for the mainland. Upon being discovered tucked behind crates of condensed milk, he claimed that he was a tourist from Belgium who’d wandered onto the wrong boat. When asked what the capital of Belgium was Oni’a said “Belgium City?” then grabbed his head and claimed he had amnesia before finally settling on treason.
“I LOVE JAPAN! I NEVER LIKED AMERICA ANYWAY!” he shouted.
360 Million BC. What is now eastern Europe.
During the Late Paleozoic Ice Age (formerly known as BRRRR) temperatures across the globe plunged, killing most animals and vegetation. A hardy band of hunter-gatherers named the Mekuk saw their numbers plummet from a high of around 200 to just 25. Shortly before extinction, the Mekuk leader, Loci the Bearded, decided to fly to Cancun for a family vacation.
“I’m not staying there,” he told the Paleozoic Post, “It’s friggin’ cold and nobody has electricity or water.”