A couple things about your new house

Updated: Jun 22

We at Tingler and Sons are proud to present to Gwen Middleton of 1335 Winslow St. your house inspection report. Congratulations on your new home, even though for a 43-year-old single woman you’re a little late to the party. You are single, right? Asking for your mother.


Before we get into the details, we should mention the lone light switch on the south wall of the living room – the one with the red glow. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT THAT YOU DO NOT TOUCH THIS SWITCH.


OK, let’s get started!


Foyer


The foyer is a five-by-five-foot section of white tile. This still counts as a foyer, hence the additional $5,000 you paid for the house. You should consider upgrading.


Living Room


There is a minor amount of water damage on the east wall which is partially built into a hill. This could be addressed by digging out around the foundation and installing drain tile or by putting a table in front of the stain and pretending it isn’t there. Same diff.

The carpet is in good shape. The color is “elk butt” so named for the lighter-brown hair around an elk’s posterior and not because an elk scooted across your floor. I mean, that wouldn’t happen. Right?


And once again, we must emphasize that you do not touch the switch on the south wall. I know you will be curious and I wish I could explain but, trust us, you shouldn’t touch it.


Bathroom


We searched high and low but couldn’t find a bathroom. That really seems like an architectural oversight. The Gas n Gobble on 14th St. is open 24 hours.


Master bedroom


You should consider repainting as the ceiling is flaking. Carpeting shows some wear. You will also want to replace the full-length mirror hanging on the closet door. It is cracked and will only get worse. The mirror is held in place by 11-sided fasteners known as Tchgorenspraugen Screws which were popular in the U.S. from February of 1972 to late February of 1972. The only known tool to remove a Tchgorenspraugen Screw is in the private collection of the grandson’s inventor. He lives in the Czech Republic and when we called, he said you could borrow it, or maybe that you couldn’t. We don’t speak Czech.


WARNING: Do not try to remove the screws with a regular screwdriver as one of the Tchgorenspraugen’s more distinctive features is that it will impart a non-lethal but very noticeable electrical shock unless the correct tool is used.


Guest bedroom


The baseboard is cracked and should be replaced. Otherwise, this would be a great room for crafting or if you wanted to pick up the guitar again. It would also be a room for Lindsey to stay in. We saw a lot of fun pictures of you two on Facebook going to Mardi Gras and South by Southwest. It was really great of you to be there for her during her breakup with Jacob. That’s a true friend.


And whatever happened to Steve? Your relationship status went from “it’s complicated” to blank right about the time you stopped posting photos of you two getting lunch. You looked really happy, especially in that one picture at the beach where he’s pretending to grab your nose with a crab claw. Plus, he was really cute and your mother liked him so much.


You also might want to consider making your profile private. There are creeps out there.


Basement


How do you feel about flying snakes? Kidding! The snakes in your basement don’t fly, but they do shimmy into the rafters and drop on you when you are sorting laundry. They do eat the voles, of which there are many, so it’s not all bad.


Roof


We meant to check the roof but Gill gets really nervous on ladders ever since that one fell on him while he was asking God for a sign that he was doing the right thing by leaving his wife. It’s probably fine though; the roof we mean, Gill’s still a mess.


Front yard


Have you ever wanted a yard of magic and splendor? One where a simple tap on the oak tree would transport you into a realm where you’re the weight you were when you were 25, that arthritis in your elbow is gone, and the world is filled with hope and possibilities. The red elves that live inside the tree would transport you on a pillowy leaf to Gumdrop Falls where everyone laughs at your jokes and when they say “I’ll follow you on Instagram” they really mean it. And you can dance until dawn at the Sugar Ball where you’ll find your childhood cat, Nessie, is still alive and your high school boyfriend who hooked up with your sister the night before prom is fat and impotent.


This isn’t that. It’s just a normal yard.


Back yard


We note the presence of poke salad along the east fence line which city code requires you to remove. Poke salad is a noxious weed with purple berries and not a deviant sexual position in which a German dominatrix puts a large cabbage in … actually, it’s better if you see it for yourself. Google “Grunting Gretchen” and click on “video”. Probably not safe for work.


Side yard


You are too poor to have a side yard. Your wealthier neighbors moved the property line right up against your house so they’d have a place to dump leaves/ motorcycle parts/ old tires/ badger corpses/ new tires/ and the remnants of a trampoline that fell into disuse after the neighbor’s daughter went through her bouncy phase.


Conclusion


Other than a few minor fixes, we think this house will make a wonderful home filled with love and laughter. You will make many beautiful memories there, so long as you do not touch that switch in the living room. We can’t stress this enough.

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