Trump renames most of the Great Lakes

President Donald Trump signed an executive order on Thursday renaming four of the Great Lakes. Lake Ontario is now Lake America, Lake Huron will know be called Lake USA, Lake Superior is now Lake Stars and Stripes, and Lake Erie became the Other Lake America.

“Take THAT Canada!” Trump said on Truth Social. “Stick that in your Maple Syrup!”

The president later took a break from planning an NFL game on the White House lawn to clarify that the name changes are permanent regardless of the outcome of the current trade war between the US and Canada.

“Everybody knows that Canadians are so nasty. They don’t deserve to have nice lakes,” he said.

Only Lake Michigan will remain unchanged, the president said, because he carried the state three times.

“Those crooked Democrats will say I lost there in 2020 but it was such a crime; unbelievable. Have you seen the footage? I’ve seen the footage! Dead people voting in Detroit; real dead people! Some Democrat scientist made about 50,000 zombies but instead of saying ‘BRAINS, BRAINS’ they all say, ‘BIDEN, BIDEN’,” Trump said.

To help grade-school children across America remember the new names of the Great Lakes, teachers spent the afternoon helping their students replace the acronym “HOMES” with its easy-to-remember substitute: “AUSASnSOAM”

Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney, when informed of his counterpart’s decision, announced a 10 percent tariff on American-produced dumb shit.

“That should cover our education budget for the next decade,” he said.

In a companion order, the Trump also renamed the Great Lakes Region of Africa the OK Lakes Region.

“I notified the president of Africa this morning – real nice guy, let’s Don Jr. hunt elephants whenever – and he’s totally on board,” Trump said.