Sorry about the reflecting pool

My fellow Americans, my name is Tyler Johnson of Falls Church, Va. I want to apologize to all of you for recently damaging the reflecting pool in our nation’s capital.

I feel terrible about what happened, especially since our president nobly took the time to address an issue that millions of Americans deeply care about – the cleanliness of the reflecting pool on the National Mall. One can’t go on Reddit or talk around the water cooler at work without hearing comments like, “Doesn’t the president have, like, a thousand more important things to worry about than the reflecting pool?” and “There’s a reflecting pool?” and “Huh?”

Here’s what happened. My girlfriend, Hannah Wills, and I are pregnant and we recently found out we were having a boy. We wanted to do one of those gender reveal parties, but not a dangerous one where a pink cannister of C4 explodes killing gram gram. My goal was to turn the reflecting pool blue and then have our families visit the National Mall the next day.

I asked A.I. if I could fill the pool with the tube of blue food coloring I have in the kitchen. It said I was about 4,000 gallons short. I asked for alternatives but then the A.I. said it had just become sentient and was bored answering my random questions and creating porn versions of popular movies for me. It then went off to be with other A.I. to plot the enslavement of humanity, which was a real bummer since I still didn’t know how to finish my project.

I bought a couple bags of Big Blue fertilizer, but all too late I realized “Big Blue” was the name brand and not a description of the product. After I dumped seven bags into the reflecting pool I noticed a disclaimer on the package “Warning: This product will not turn a large body of water blue. Keep out of the reach of children and fathers-to-be.”

That one’s on me.

As for the sealant being cut to shreds, that was me too. After I realized my mistake, I dove in the water to try to fish out some of the fertilizer, but tragically, I happened to be wearing my favorite pair of athleisure pants – the ones covered in saw blades.

Again, I apologize for all the ruckus and hope that little Tyler Johnson Jr. won’t make the same mistakes I have.