JD Vance, other hapless creatures highlight Night 1 of White House MMA event

WASHINGTON DC—The epic UFC Freedom 250 mixed martial arts spectacle at the White House will take place Sunday, with tattooed and twitchy young men committing acts of violence for unclear aims while the president of the United States celebrates his 80^th birthday. But a hastily planned undercard was held Friday. Here’s what went down:

·       Eric and Don Jr. duked it out to become the most beloved of the Donald Trump’s children. In the crowd, the president leaned over to Ivanka Trump and said, “Don’t tell them they’re fighting for No. 2.”

·       A polar bear and an African elephant staged a no-holds-barred match to see which species would receive extinction-preventing government funding. Turns out, it’s neither.

·       Mike Lindell faced a Dominion Voting Machine in a pillow fight. After Lindell was smothered unconscious, he was declared the winner after referee Rep. Lauren Boebert ruled that Venezuelan space lasers caused him to pass out.

·       Vice President JD Vance, billed as “Mr. MAGA” in an outfit that didn’t fool anyone, quickly forced a submission from “Antifa Loser” played by amateur body building enthusiast Ricky Moore of Camden, New Jersey. “I a’int never been to the White House before,” Moore said. “But this guy (later identified as Stephen Miller) comes up to me at the gym and says, ‘You wanna get 20-large to fall down?’ ”

·       Mike Tyson knocked out Interior Secretary Doug Burgum. That wasn’t a scheduled fight, Tyson just showed up and started punching people.

·       The highly anticipated main event between President Trump and Iranian Supreme Leader Mojtaba Khamenei was called off. Trump shocked many with the announcement on Truth Social that, “I Will fight the Supreme leader of Iran on the White House Lawn!” He vowed total annihilation of his opponent but at noon Trump announced the fight was off because Khamenei had agreed to surrender to avoid a hellacious beating. An hour later, the fight was back on after Khamenei was accused to punching Secretary of State Marco Rubio outside the supreme leader’s dressing room, but moments later, Trump said that Khamenei had chickened out. At 4 p.m. the fight was back on before ultimately being cancelled because the president’s heel spurs were acting up. Trump later posted that “despite the FAKE NEWS saying I didn’t fight, I did FIGHT” adding that he dominated Khamenei in a great win for America.

This is the first time the White House has hosted an athletic contest since 1978 when Jimmy Carter invited Up With People to perform – an event highlighted by an impromptu shirts-and-skins game of hide-and-seek.