NCAA transfer portal collapses, basketball players trapped

ANOTHER DIMENTION—College athletics was turned on its head Monday morning when the much-ballyhooed transfer portal – through which male and female athletes can transfer to other schools – collapsed trapping thousands inside.

Those who have ventured into the portal tell the tale of a disorienting landscape with unlimited cash and a vague smell of stale popcorn.

PJ Haggerty, who left Kansas State for Texas A&M, narrowly escaped, signing with the Aggies last week.

“That portal is a trip,” Haggerty said. “You’re just in there, floating; no floor, on ceiling, just like a big mall where every store has some white dude in a track suit saying stuff like, ‘I got 2 million for a shooting guard with good handles.’”

Haggerty, one of the nation’s top scorers last season at 23.4 points per game, said he could have gotten more money but he wanted to escape.

“You think I want to go to Texas A&M? Nah, bruh, I just had to get out before it all came down. At least I heard Austin has a dope music scene…that’s Texas? Where’s A&M? COLLEGE STATION? Oh (expletive deleted).’”

Liv McGill led Florida’s women’s team at 22.5 points a game, but her time in the portal came to an abrupt end.

“I asked when women’s players were going to get paid as much as men, and then a blackhole sucked me out and I ended up at Oklahoma State,” McGill said. “I guess that’s my punishment.”

Former Wisconsin star, John Blackwell, remained inside the portal. Blackwell’s 19 points, 5 rebound averages last year make him one of the top unsigned talents, but now his future is unclear. He was able to reach out to his mother through a special inter-dimensional transmitter, which works for about two hours a day depending upon cloud formations.

“Don’t worry, mom, they got Cinnabon in here, but only four toilets,” he said before the transmission cut off.

Dr. Angela Kramer of the Institute for Metaphysical Things said overuse of the portal may have led to it destabilizing.

“It was only a matter of time,” she said. “The portal is a quasi-dimensional inversion, co-terminus with the realm in which those of us who aren’t good at sports live. The boundaries are created by thermal ionization, what a layman might call an untruncated tesseract, bringing with it all the concomitant hazards.”

Kramer added that once the portal reforms, she hoped that the women’s team at her alma mater, North Carolina, could sign a stretch five.

“Go Heels! IMT doesn’t have basketball, though some of us play on our lunch hour,” Kramer said.