ICE agents accidentally arrest each other

Chicago—While patrolling a neighborhood in south Chicago, one ICE officer tackled and apprehended another Monday. Both are now in jail.

The incident happened at an apartment building on South Halsted. ICE agent Jack Strong 14775 (all ICE agents have been renamed “Jack Strong”, followed by a number, for security and manliness purposes) was peering in a window on the building’s east side.

“We got some intel that an occupant of that building had posted on Facebook ‘No matter who you voted for, we should want peace in our city and country’. Sounded

pretty (expletive deleted) suspicious,” Strong 14775 said.

The resident, Dora Haynes, 63, was not home at the time. After no one responded to the agent’s knock at the front door, he went around to the side.

“I heard a noise from inside the apartment and went to investigate,” the agent said.

Haynes lives alone and has no pets, and when asked if the agent had simply misheard what he thought was a noise, he said, “Uh, my (commanding officer) said ICE doesn’t make mistakes, so despite what you said, there was definitely a noise.”

Just as Strong 14775 was about to remove a window air conditioner to access the apartment, Agent Jack Strong 31415 drove by.

“Saw a subject, male, wearing camo, carrying a gun, and he had a face covering.

Seemed pretty suspect to me,” Strong 31415 said. “So, I followed my training, and approached the subject with my gun drawn and shouted, ‘Get on the ground (expletive deleted) or I’ll (expletive deleted) light up your (expletive deleted).’ ”

Strong 14775 did nothing of the sort.

“Sometimes ANTIFA dresses up like us. You can never be sure who’s who,” he said. “I followed my training and charged at him. We collided, wrestled on the ground for a while, and then were arrested.”

They were apprehended by Agent Jack Strong 91671, who is actually a woman. She was driving by after hearing reports that someone had said “gracias” at a nearby grocery store.

“I tased the two subjects, cuffed ‘em, and dragged them to my van,” she said. “I thought I recognized one of them from the academy, but sometimes protesters can enter your mind and project a false avatar to get you to trust them.”

Shortly after these interviews were conducted, all three agents were labelled enemy combatants for assaulting an ICE officer. Their current whereabouts are unknown.