Sioux Falls, SD—Jared Stone entered the Challenger Room at Sioux Falls Escape Monday and plans to remain there, his muffled voice said through the wall, until after the election.
“The ads…they won’t stop!” Stone said during Day 4 of his lock-in. “I don’t want to hear any more about who’s going to shut down the border or who’s going to cut taxes. Just stop!”
The Challenger Room is the facility’s largest and includes an operational toilet, a working kitchen, and a sofa.
“I’ll give him this – he really did his homework,” Sioux Falls Escape owner Miranda Simpson said. “It’s the only room that has a toilet. We put it in there after an incident. One of the clues you discovered was ‘rhymes with loop’ which was supposed to lead you to a hoop earring in a drawer but the guys who were in there thought it was another word. My assistant manager quit after he cleaned the carpet.”
Stone has been subsisting on dozens of Clif bars he taped to his body and has used the sink in the room to refill with water a bottle of Michelob Light he bought at check-in.
“Yeah, we serve alcohol. It’s kinda fun watching drunk guys get stuck,” Simpson said.
Staff first became concerned that Stone wasn’t intending to escape after he’d been in the room for three hours, then discovered he’d welded the main door shut using a 3D printed soldering iron.
“It was in my pants,” Stone shouted.
Security video shows Stone walking in with an abnormally wide gait.
When asked if police had been called, Simpson said her most infamous customer cited an 1842 law, passed when the Dakotas were still a territory, that allows any White man to claim a 100-foot-by-100-foot area as his own unless it is owned by another White man.
“If Trump can use old laws, I can too!” Stone shouted.
With legal and technical means exhausted, Simpson has resigned herself to the fact that Stone will likely succeed in his goal of remaining off the grid until Nov. 6.
“I just want my Facebook feed to go back to people posting pics of their lunch!” Stone said.
This is believed to be the longest politically motivated self-hostage situation since a New Jersey man locked himself in the bathroom of a Bennigan’s until Hilary Clinton was declared the winner of the 2016 election. He’s still there.
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