Palm Beach, Fla.—During a recent campaign rally, former President Donald Trump implied that the late Arnold Palmer had above-average sized genitals. The comments raised eyebrows across the country, including those of Palmer’s longtime rival, Jack Nicklaus.
“I’ve been friends with Donald Trump for years,” a shaking-head Nicklaus said. “We’ve even showered together!”
Nicklaus and Trump have golfed many times over the years (“Not lately because the secret service keep talking up their sleeves during my backswing,” Nicklaus said) and often the subject of other golfers’ dongs came up.
“Arnold was alright. Nothing to write home about, but I, on the other hand – or should I say on the other big hand because, you know – I spent the first three years of my career learning how to loop my club around my schlong!” the 18-time major tournament winner said.
Nicklaus said most tournaments had a traditional crank comparison called “The Big Tee” where golfers would gather in the shower and litigate who was swinging the biggest club.
“Undefeated,” Nicklaus said, “And there was nothing gay about a bunch of men looking at each other’s privates. It was a sign of respect that this younger generation wouldn’t know anything about!”
Other contemporaries of Nicklaus said the Golden Bear might be misremembering.
“I certainly don’t recall that happening,” retired legend Tom Watson said. “The places we played had private showers. It wasn’t a freakin’ high school PE class.”
Fellow champion Lee Trevino also disputed Nicklaus’ account.
“My agent said you wanted to do a story about golf in the old days and this is what you bring up?” Trevino said. “OK, here’s a quote for you, I NEVER SAW ANYONE’S PENIS! But I will say that Donald Trump is a huge dick.”
Meanwhile, Vice-President Kamala Harris was campaigning in Wisconsin and spoke about the economy, abortion rights, and democracy, but, avoided the subject of old golfers’ junk entirely, prompting Fox News personality Sean Hannity to quip, “Yet another issue she’s ducking.”
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