How to tell if your new co-worker is a suit full of bees

Hiring quality employees has never been more difficult. Gone are the days when you could say, “You’ll probably just work here until you find a husband, right?” or determine which candidate is better by asking them to climb to the top of a 10-foot greased pole while current members of your staff throw rancid pork chops at them.0

Nowadays, you can’t be too careful, which is why those of us at Lodgepole Corp. want to help. Following up on our successful titles “How to tell if your new co-worker is AI-generated” “How to tell if your new co-worker is a character from ‘Hamilton’ ” and “How to tell if your new co-worker is an old co-worker wearing a gorilla mask” (that one was selected as Pamphlet of the Year, non-glossy division, by the Organization of Things Like This) we proudly present to you “How to tell if your new co-worker is a suit full of bees.”

First, we recommend not hiring a suit full of bees, even if they have excellent references and are skilled in Google Sheets. But no matter how fool-proof your interview process is, things happen.

“We hired this guy to do social media outreach for us, and it went well for a couple weeks, but then the heat in our office went out and it got really cold,” said John Doe of Totally Real Incorporated. “Suddenly he just stopped moving. We opened up his button-down shirt. Sure enough, all bees. Technically they were murder hornets, but you get the idea.”

So, if you suspect that “Meredith” who you hired to oversee accounts payable is really just a suit full of bees, check for these telltale signs:

1.     No head. If you’re thinking that it’s easy for a thousand bees to replicated a human head, think again. Instead, they just stay inside the suit and hope you won’t notice.

2.     Unusual amounts of honey in unexpected places. It might be easy to dismiss a mess in the storage room as Randy getting carried away with a dipping sauce, again, but it also could be a sign of a bee imposter. Note: Not all bees produce honey, only ones that can successfully operate a ladle.

3.     Lots and lots of buzzing. If you ask “Got plans for the weekend” and all you hear is “zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz” then you might have a suit full of bees.

4.     If the new co-worker claims to be named Meredith, then it’s definitely a suit full of bees. It is a myth that anyone has ever been named Meredith and if you are thinking, “Wait, my name is Meredith” then you are, in fact, a suit full of bees.