Peaches, parades, pecans and President Trump; new Woodward book revelations

Washington DC—Excerpts from the forthcoming book Peril by Bob Woodward and Robert Costa shook the political world this week, revealing that Chairman of the Join Chiefs of Staff Gen. Mark Milley assured Chinese officials that the United States would not attack China and attempted short circuit any attempt by then-President Donald Trump to use the country’s nuclear arsenal.


MMW News Service has obtained an advanced copy of the book when one intended for the Bob Woodward Fan Club – the Woodheads – came to our office accidentally. Here are some even more troubling revelations contained in the book:


· During a meeting in Brussels on April 19, 2019, President Trump ordered Milley to nuke Belgium after a server brought him Diet Pepsi instead of Diet Coke.


· Milley witnessed Trump running out of the Oval Office screaming “They’re here, they’re here!” while the president claimed to have seen a Chinese drone circling above him. It turned out to be a dragonfly. Woodward asked the president about this and Trump said, “That never happened, Bob! It never happened. Not that I can’t run out of the Oval Office screaming something because I can, as president, do anything I want – it’s in the Constitution – in fact, I’m better at running around screaming than any other president; Obama would have just sat there like a lump. But it never happened, Bob; not true at all because I know bugs. I’m an expert on bugs because I’m so smart. Lots of people say so.”


· On Sept. 10, 2017, Trump was preparing remarks to give on the anniversary of 9/11. In the original speech, Trump planned to say, “9/11 was a terrible thing. A terrible thing that happened to America. I rank it right up there with the time I didn’t win an Emmy.” Milley advised him to remove that line. Trump reluctantly agreed, but said he wanted to add, “I would have killed bin Laden on Day 1 of my presidency. What took Osama…I mean, Obama so long? And it would have been the most glorious mission in military history. No helicopters would have crashed. We’d have taken out all of Al-Qaeda and then we’d have taken all their oil.” Milley, reportedly, sighed and said “fine.”


· In July of 2019, Milley learned of a phone call in which Trump pressured Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky for dirt on Joe Biden. Wait, we already knew that.


· While Trump was planning a later-scrapped military parade in Washington in the fall of 2017, he had a meeting with Milley and then-Attorney General Jeff Sessions. “It’d be great. Big, beautiful tanks rolling down Pennsylvania Avenue. Maybe soldiers could throw candy to the kids. Like little sugar grenades,” Trump said. “But old Mr. Magoo over here (starts fumbling around with papers as if he can’t see) says we can’t do it. So, I wanted to ask someone who has a pair.” After the meeting, Milley asked Sessions why the attorney general didn’t stick up for himself. “Well, I did tell the president that my vision is fine,” Sessions said.


· On Dec. 16, 2020, Trump conferred with military leaders about his options for overturning the election. “I talked to the guy in Georgia and he won’t switch the votes. What a loser. Mark, what can we do? I’m not saying invade, but, you know, just rough ‘em up a little.” Trump returned to the topic the next day, saying, “I think we should invade, frankly. I never liked Georgia anyway. You ever eat a peach, Mark? It’s all gooey inside but then you get to the chocolate center and it’s way too hard. And what the hell’s the deal with pecans? They’re like if peanuts took a shit.”

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