Other states sue Texas for being too Texas-y

Washington, DC—Responding to a lawsuit brought by Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton, several states filed suit against the Lone Star state for being too on-the-nose. On Wednesday, Paxton sued the states of Georgia, Pennsylvania, Wisconsin, and Michigan claiming in a fact-free way that the four states, “destroyed that trust and compromised the security and integrity of the 2020 election.” When asked why sue those four states, all carried by gonna-be-President-whether-you-like-it-or-not Joe Biden, for changing their election laws when all states did, including Texas, Paxton said with a flushed face, “Fraud…illegal voting…dead people…MWHANNEMMMEMMDMM” then fell faint and needed to go for a lie down. The response, filed by 15 states as of this writing, is one page and begins with “Come on, Texas, do you have to be so…you?” and concludes with a demand that the state “put a sock in it.” “What’s next, he appears on horseback and tries to lasso illegal ballots?” Minnesota AG Keith Ellison (D) said. “File that lawsuit in your spit cup, Ken!” Democratic Attorney General of Illinois Kwame Raoul said the case has no merit, citing the 1962 Supreme Court case of Blow It Out v Your Ass. Hawaii AG Clare Connors (D) said Paxton is not well-liked among his colleagues. All 50 AGs gathered in 2019 at the annual States Attorneys General Conference in Philadelphia and Paxton rubbed many the wrong way. “He kept going on about how much better it would have been if we were in Dallas, he complained that the hotel didn’t have a gun safe, he threated to sue the restaurant because the steaks weren’t big enough,” Connors said. “We all had tickets to a Phillies game, but we decided to tell Paxton it was cancelled because of Antifa, or something, and he bought it. The other 49 of us went. It was fun.” Not all criticism was lodged by Democrats. “Look, I’m not thrilled about Biden, but they guy won, OK?” Louisiana AG Jeff Landry, a Republican, said. “I mean, come on, are we really going to file some hopeless lawsuit just to appease that dope in the White House? And what damage does this do…wait, are you a reporter? Give me that recorder! HEY! STOP RUNNING!” Paxton’s case was not greeted warmly when presented to the high court today. “You guys are [expletive deleted] with me, right? Is this some freshman hazing?” recently appointed Justice Amy Coney Barrett wrote in a memo to her colleagues. Chief Justice John Roberts, according to sources, made jerk-off motions under his robe. “He’s been doing that a lot during this administration,” said a Court clerk who asked to remain anonymous. “The first time was when the president tried that Muslim ban; Justice Roberts initially claimed his robe rippling was caused by a sudden breeze, but we were inside. Now he just does it without care.”


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