Faygo pulls out of Russia

The list of corporations ceasing operations in Russia grew Friday afternoon when Faygo announced it would no longer distribute its products there.


Following the lead of McDonald’s, Coca-Cola, and others you’ve actually heard of, Michigan-based Faygo joined in standing against Russia’s invasion of neighboring Ukraine.


CEO Sam Shanahan made the announcement at Faygo’s world headquarters – a 1997 beige Toyota Tercel parked at a Sam’s Club in Ypsilanti.


“We will not stand for this aggression, much like the time those raccoons invaded my car, I mean, home office,” he said. “We stand with Ukraine and refuse to sell to Russia any of our liquids. I should note that I am under direction from several states attorneys general not to call them ‘drinks’.”


Upon hearing of the news, President Joe Biden said, “Faygo? Is that one of those internet words…what’s that called. Meme! Yeah, that’s it. Is that a meme?”


Until now, Faygo had been known as a cheap alternative to significantly better sodas and it’s fandom among devotees of rap artists Insane Clown Posse. The RedPop flavor is a constant at ICP shows where it is not consumed but rather, as God intended, sprayed or poured onto others.


ICP founding member Shaggy 2 Dope said he supported the decision.


“As Martin Luther King Jr. said, ‘Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. We are caught in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects on directly, affects all indirectly,’” he said. “And if that great man where here today I believe he would stand tall and with a resolute voice say, ‘Hey Putin, SUCK DEEZ NUTS!’”

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